Autism Acceptance Month

I am not expert on autism, I can only speak for myself and I don’t owe anyone an explanation about being autistic nor is it on me to educate anyone about being autistic. 

However, I am writing this because very recently I was in a meeting and heard someone casually describe another person (who was not in the room) as “coping well with their autism.”

I have in the past opened my mouth and got myself in trouble in situations like this. I try hard to be an understand and empathetic person however when I notice anything I perceive to be an injustice I have a tendency to become very sarcastic and mouthy and probably unpleasant to be around. I have lost jobs and opportunities in the past because of this kind of behaviour. So I kept my mouth shut and decided to stew on it for a while, thinking about how autistic people are perceived.

It reminded me of something I saw from one of my Facebook "friends".  They regularly post how their kid is "beating their autism" everyday and is a warrior etc and it made me very depressed for that child.

These are things I've heard personally as well, I've seen the way people tilt their head and pout when I've told them I'm autistic, as if I've just told them I have prostate cancer or something.  

My goal with what I'm writing is to highlight that autistic people are all different and that autism isn't some sort of disease or something I cope with, it is me and it is what makes me who I am. I am also not here to "guide" anyone, I am not an expert on it, I am not someone who studies it. I only know my own experience.

I was diagnosed as autistic in my early forties. It was like a weight was lifted off me. I'm not saying this will be the case for everyone, but for me, it was like someone broke open a wall that was blocking my vision for over three decades. 

It helped me make sense of a lot of things, like why, as a kid (and adult) I wouldn’t wear certain clothes, why I couldn’t even think about touching the fabric on the roof of a car, why I struggled to fit in or find any friends, why I would stuff pieces of cotton in my ears to stop the general noise from school from hammering a hole into my brain. 

I also struggled to understand abstract concepts, I took everything literally, had no understanding of unspoken social cues and refused to look people in the eye.  My diagnosis brought these experiences into focus for me and at the same time made me somewhat sad and angry for the person I was who was so lost for so long. 

I felt like something was very wrong with me for a very long time. As a kid I would search my body for a button that would make me normal. I felt like other kids just had this innate understanding, a guide or booklet or something, an "in" that simply told them "how to be" and I did not have this. 

I didn't go to school for most of grade six, I hated school along with my teachers and didn't have friends so I saw no point in going. My grade six teacher didn't either, he told my parents he'd pass me into grade seven desipte the fact that I wasn't there. I don't know why, I assume it was becuase he was a terrible teacher and didn't care. 

I can't think of any teacher that took the time to ask me if anything was wrong, why I'd persistently run away from school or why I could read at greater depth in grade two compared to those in grade eight or why I could talk for hours about Dungeons and Dragons or why I'd refuse to work in groups.  I think if I had someone who took any notice I would not have struggled as much, but that is the autistic experience in my opinion. We are often overlooked. I had no library or safe place to go, it was a very strange experience for me as I was often confused as to what was going on around me, I felt like I just floated around from one thing to another with rocks in my guts from the anxiety of being discovered as a fraud or some kind of robot that wasn't doing things right. 

Another huge challenge for me was employment, I grew up in a rural town in Canada and "work" meant primarily manual labour. The issue is that I am also dyspraxic and amongst a slew of other things I have terrible hand-eye coordination and balance, meaning a lot of what I thought was "required" work for me was nearly impossible. I lost a lot of other jobs later on in life due to miscommunication, being sarcastic to people that were in positions of power or simply becoming so depressed by the mundane, mind numbing aspect of most jobs that I would simply walk out and not return. 

I'm not going to go through my entire life, but I'll say that it quite dark for a period as I genuinely felt worthless. 

And now I'll say this - Yes I struggle to remember how to get back home after living nearly 10 years in the same place, I struggle with doing up buttons on a shirt, I don't do inanse small talk and therefore don't fit in, I struggle with a lot of stuff, but I've also achieved a Master's Degree, won multiple awards as a school librarian and by 2025 I'll have three books published. I have a lot to be proud of despite what a lot of people think an autistic person is capable of.

I honestly think this is why people have said things to me "you don't seem autistic" or "you don't look autistic," probably because I've been fortunate to have success in my life and for some being autistic and being articulate or successful don't go together. 

This is a small drop in the ocean, really. For one thing, in the UK the term "autistic" is listed as a mental disorder, meaning you can be locked away for no reason other than being autistic. Our life expectency is low, as is our employment rate (30% in '22/23). 

But again, I shouldn't have to feel like I need to defend anything or explain anything. What I try to do is provide a space everyday in the library that I work at for everyone that enters it, and especially for those who struggle like I did to find somewhere that was welcoming. I can only try my best to help others, I think that's the key, just to be kind to everyone and to try to put yourself in someone else's shoes when you can.